I suppose I should write about this. It would feel wrong not to. So much has changed over the summer, with getting a job(!!), getting a boyfriend(!!!), becoming financially self-sufficient(!!!!) but I haven’t written about any of that. This blog was once a very intimate place, but now that I’ve been doing a lot more experiencing and a lot less reflecting, I feel awfully disconnected from it. My goal is to work on my novel for at least an hour each day, which sometimes doesn’t happen (I’m striving to say ‘but usually it does’). So my musings and my songs and poems must be sacrificed for a while.
Anyway, what I came here to say is this: my grandmother passed away yesterday, after a week in the hospital. I can’t believe I can write that with such calmness. When I first heard the news, I was sobbing. When I came to visit and sat beside her hospital bed, I was dry-eyed and distant. I don’t know how I can be so out of touch. I still knew her as my grandma, even though she didn’t act like herself. Through it all, I felt her loving and sweet personality. I remember fondly the summer when I lived with her in her apartment. Sometimes she wouldn’t hear the alarm to wake up and I would go into her room and be a little nervous that something was wrong.
I’m predicting the loss will really strike me when I see her things again; the possessions always around her that she’ll never touch again.
I was worried that her hazy mind was going to cause her more suffering, to the point where we couldn’t communicate anymore. I think this way is better.
I have stitches in my scarf that I can’t get back again, and she isn’t here to fix them. Last time I saw her, I asked her if she could please fix it for me again, and she simply ripped out the rows until the mistakes were gone. I wonder if she still knew how to do it. I’m going to have to learn by myself now. It’s tough, even with all the books and videos showing me how.
Grandma, I love you so much. I was content when we spent time together. I’m glad you’re not in pain anymore. I’m glad you’re not worried.