I’m in love with missing you. Part of me was afraid I wouldn’t feel any pain, but now the pain feels refreshing. All the good memories glow with innocence and perfection. The future dares me to accept uncertainty, to let go of what we were and begin my own plan. Even you want that.

I confess: I feel a spontaneous, vibrant happiness around someone else. I feel like I’m back to my old boy-obsessing ways. But it’s not right for me — not now. I’m afraid that I’ve already started clinging too tightly to every subtlety of every interaction, analyzing the layers of meaning.

I’ve been like this before. I’ve obsessed over not knowing if my feelings are reciprocated. Knowing might not be better anyway; knowing is a whole other fear. I don’t want to transfer my feelings for you to another person. Sometimes I wonder if our separation was the right decision, but I just couldn’t make these doubts go away. There was uncertainty and doubt down every path.

I know that as much as this new person brings me joy, he could just as easily bring intense loneliness as well. Without even knowing it. So I need to be prepared to go without this attention from him, to be willing to step back and be alone with myself. To not panic, to not compare. The adventure continues…


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